Signs an Abuser Has or Has Not Changed

Admits abuse toward current/past partners was wrong, unconditionally
Acknowledges his behavior was a choice, not a loss of control
Recognizes the effects his abuse had on her, the children and shows empathy
Identifies in detail his pattern of controlling behaviors and entitled attitudes
Develops respectful behaviors/attitudes to replace abusive ones
Replaces his distorted image of her with a positive, empathetic view
Accepts the consequences of his abusiveness, commits to not repeating it
Makes amends
Accepts overcoming abusiveness is likely a lifelong process
Remains accountable for past and future actions

Says he can change only if she changes and “helps” him change
Criticizes her for not realizing how much he’s changed
Criticizes her for considering him capable of behaving abusively even though he’s done so in the past
Reminds her of the bad things he would have done, but isn’t anymore, amounting to a subtle threat
Tells her she’s taking too long to make up her mind, pressuring her not to take the time she needs to assess his change
Says he’s changing, but she doesn’t feel it

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